The Best is Yet to Come
I haven’t wrote any blogs for a while, at least for the public view. I’ve had so much happen since my last blog, that it would take a year to completely capture the details of the grace, peace, and blessings I have experienced in the past 3 months.
My last blog was titled, “The Chosen Detour”, and in that blog I was describing a temporary setback that I had been faced with. I also expressed that I would not be giving up on my dream.
I didn’t.
Not only did I not give up, but I have now made the first significant commitment in my entire lifetime; not to a child, not to a partner- but to myself.
I let ego and judgmental perspectives of doing things “the right way” derail my dreams for a long time as I tried over and over to do things in a way I felt others would approve. But I always seemed to fail trying to do things everyone else’s way but mine. Their way wasn’t the only way. And it wasn’t destined to be MY way.
I had to ask myself, “Does the opinions of others matter to me so much, that I would miss out on completely changing my life? Will I allow others to prevent me from becoming my best self simply because I am afraid of judgement?”
Having lived where other’s opinions often made the hard decisions for me, the easy answer was to continue as I had been. But this time- I chose differently. I took the harder path, the path I know that is bound to be full of ridicule, misunderstanding, judgement, and loss of relationships based on years of research. But in the end- it is also the path that will give me what I want- a happier, healthier life, and a thriving, joyous, improved version of me. I will get to make eye contact with “the best of me”, and have given myself a realistic shot for the future of my dreams. The ability to travel, to enjoy a limitless life, to have healthier and thriving relationships with myself and others in the future. The possibility of one day being a mother- if I ever feel that’s an adventure I’d like to embark on- with or without a partner. If that should ever occur, I know based on this one decision I will be an active and involved mother and no longer be forced to watch from the sidelines.
This choice I made for myself changes EVERYTHING.
And I’m proud of the fact that I chose to live instead of just exist.
A few years ago I once had a glimpse of a world that was so foreign, I truly felt like an outsider- and I was. That part was undeniable. While I had confidence in many areas of my life, this world significantly touched me in one of my weakest spots, and made me take a long hard look at who I was vs who I truly wanted to be. I had copious amounts of desire to take charge of my health and while I had encouragement in many ways, I couldn’t find the motivation. People around me were afraid to approach the subject with me. And I understand why- I had the tendency to become very defensive and clung tightly to my excuses. But what I now know, is that I needed someone to sit me down and tell me, “Madison, I’m worried about you and your health. I want you to live a long life, but the way you’re headed you won’t.” I remember one conversation that somewhat mirrored that notion, and my response to that person was, “That’s fair,” as I stood there stunned in the truth that someone finally had the ability to say to me. For almost 2 years, that conversation stayed in the back of my mind until I was ready to have this hard and painful conversation with myself- and eventually my doctor who I had seen since I was 12.
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” My doctor asked me once.
I had two answers.
One was living a life of my dreams. The other was dead.
I made the comment to a past partner that I didn’t see me living past 30. I think in a sense that was a subconscious way of me “giving up” on myself in my life and my present body. Again, I felt the only way to live was by meeting someone else’s expectations, and I felt defeated from the beginning. I couldn’t live up to them, so I stopped trying and for a short while, gave up.
I had always been big, so how would I ever become anything different? My whole identity was based on me being big. I was always the biggest family member at holidays, the biggest friend in the friend group, the biggest coworker, the biggest sibling, and the biggest girlfriend someone had. After a while, I had began to accept that as my fate- being big. It just was what it was.
Until the day it wasn’t.
You would think that being with someone for a few years in a very health-conscious world I would become better- and I tried. I lost 20-30 pounds a few times in that time period. But I always gained more, and in turn had more to lose. I constantly was yo-yoing, an unwanted pattern of my life I always felt helpless to break. I realize now it was because I felt like such an outsider, no matter how much weight I lost I would never be seen as good enough in that world. So I removed myself from it and all of a sudden the pressure to be “good enough” for others around me was gone. Almost overnight. And I felt such relief. I even focused on my health more losing up to 30lbs on my own, 68 pounds total. But I could only keep it off for a few months when my routine changed, and the job stress became overwhelming. And there I went, feeling defeated as I did so many times before. Regaining weight I had lost, repeating the cycle once again.
The battle between mental health and physical health is one not many people truly understand I feel unless you’ve been through it. Being diagnosed with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia was probably the best thing in my life, which I am aware sounds a little bit odd. I had to finally come to terms with the fact that my distorted view of self had me ignoring the health crisis I was experiencing. I self-neglected because I didn’t see myself as the size I actually was in the mirror. I saw myself as smaller- which is actually the opposite type of body dysmorphia than the “typical type” that is more often diagnosed. The self-neglect came from the inability to see me as I was in reality- since I only saw myself as how I wanted to be when I looked in the mirror. This is something that is almost NONEXISTANT and never talked about in society. Having finally conquered my symptoms of PTSD, I now could recognize I had a new challenge to face- and overcome. I always knew something was wrong as my relationship with food was never normal and was always unhealthy from the day I was 9 days old. Part of it was something out of my control- but there was many things about it that were and I was in denial. Finding out there was a name for my battle instead of feeling like I was just lazy- forever altered the steps I was taking in my life.
It hurt to face that I was weak in an area which was so strong for so many of those around me. Watching bodies transform was something I came to admire not just in my partner at the time but also in the people I’d watch on stage. I remember the last body building competition I attended and there I was sitting in the crowd and thought to myself, “People dedicate their life to fitness and wellness for months and even years, for a one time event. When am I going to make my own health a priority, when it benefits me the rest of my life?”
This year, I made that decision. In 2021 I chose wellness over illness.
I also chose to listen to what I felt God was telling me was destined for me and my future. I chose this for me, but also for another reason that I can’t quite explain in words yet- but maybe someday I will be able to.
There is a quote that I’ve heard countless times, and it goes “If you don’t take time for your wellness, then you will have to make time for your illness.” That really resonated with me. At 31, I am healthy in many ways when it comes to lab work, I’m not pre-diabetic, and I am still relatively active. Even mental health wise, I am doing well, as I haven’t had a depressive cycle in over a year and my ability to manage stress has improved significantly. But I am overweight, my body aches, and I realized that I wasn’t in the shape to chase around my 4 nieces, who are ages 1-4. That hurt me in one of the deepest places within me. I can’t give them my best self if I stay the way I am.
I wasn’t really keen on telling people about my journey in the beginning, but I realized that witnessing other’s success played a large role in my decision to take charge of my life. Plus, while it is an extremely personal journey, I am not afraid to share the steps I am taking or the things in my life that lead me to make this decision. Matter of fact, I am proud of them. I don’t feel there are any benefits from keeping it a “secret”, especially since things like this can reveal those people who are truly in your corner- and those who are not.
I haven’t always had the emotional control or discipline I needed to be successful, but when I was 29, I realized I was in a pivotal point in my life where I WANTED to learn these skills. I wanted to learn how to meal prep, eat healthily, become addicted to working out or being active. I just lacked the faith in myself to make it happen.
However, over this past summer I had a dream of what my life will look like in 2 years. And in this dream, I envisioned success and could see me living my best life. I could see the healthier me looking back in the mirror, and I was the happiest I’ve ever been.
I am determined to make it my reality, and not allow it to remain just a dream.
I now look through the lens of a 31 year old woman who took the time to heal from deep seated pain and anger, who demonstrated the courage to selflessly let go of everything she wanted and loved, resulting in the ability to find her way back to herself. I now know that I had to release everything I had to be able to fall in love with myself on the journey leading me to everything I deserved.
Because I deserve good things. I deserve a good life with laughter echoing the halls of my home. I deserve to have a season of my life where I get to enjoy happiness and peace all on my own, and I also deserve to experience healthy and happy relationships with others in the future. I deserve everything I want.
And fortunately, I am already getting many of those things. The solid and enjoyable job which comes with financial stability. The unconditional love and support of family and friends. The fur babies which bring joy to my everyday and give me the best cuddles and laughs. The gumption and grit to make hard choices that bring success. The discipline, the motivation, and the self-love have also all come to be foundational in my decision making in this season of my life. I get to live for ME- something I don’t feel I ever truly got to experience until now.
What a gift it has turned out to be!
I can see the future I dreamed of within my grasp, and while it may look slightly different from the one I envisioned a few years ago- it is all right there- standing in front of me as if I am peering at it through a glass door.
I’d like to say I manifested it- but it wasn’t my manifesting that got me through my darkest days and helped me make the hardest choices of my life.
It was Him.
God.
It was God who held me at night, as I looked at the brokenness my life had become after taking extreme precaution to avoid it from happening.
It was God who gave me the strength to literally face my biggest fear in one of the most vulnerable moments doubling as an act of love.
It was God who made me take a good hard look at myself, and identify those things I needed to work on and improve to become a better person. He humbled me to my core and I had to absorb and comprehend many harsh realities about myself and others.
It was God who prevented me from acting on what could’ve been a devastating experience for all those who loved and cared for me in my life. A place I still at times can’t believe I got to, especially as a counselor. I felt God’s physical presence with me that night, as I laid on my bed making a plan of how not to wake up in the morning. But, I wasn’t alone and was saved by the embrace of a caring friend. I will always be forever thankful for his presence in that moment- you know who you are.
It was God who woke me up in the middle of the night in June 2021 and told me, “You can’t lose those things that I have designed specifically for you. You’re just now beginning the journey to find out what those are. They are not gone- they are coming! Get ready!”
It was God who helped me forgive others, release my anger, and move on with my life. He guided me as I found my voice, set boundaries, and invested in my passions again for the first time since I was in college.
It was God who helped me turn my most recent “NO” into an accomplished goal by the way of a relationship-repairing detour.
It always was and will always be God helping transform my mind and affix my attention on my blessings I have in the present instead of feeling sad over the things I have yet to experience or accomplish.
It was God who helped me experience the blessing of what it is like to be happy alone- and it is probably one of the best gifts I have ever been given. Plus, I avoided a lot of incoming toxic situations, as a result. 😊
And it was God who helped me learn that all I ever truly need is my faith, and Him.
I realized can live happily without everything else.
When I was able to realize the blessings I have been afforded in the present, I observed a mentality switch transforming my view of myself and my life.
And all of a sudden, I was able to see and appreciate the beauty that was my life.
I’m not really sure how I got here, but I know it couldn’t have been just me. I know I had a driving force guiding me the whole way.
There has been a purpose in every single step in my life, every choice I have made, every heartbreak I have experienced, every “No” I’ve had to receive, every failure I have overcome. I know with confidence that it is because of Him, I am on a path to succeed, and not fail.
Not saying everything is always going to be easy, and that I won’t fail at times. Because I think failure is inevitable. I do believe that it is from failure where you learn the most, if you pay attention to the lesson. But I won’t ever allow failure to be the place where I end the journey.
I have had to accept so many things about myself, and find a way to “live in truth” with myself.
I decided to stop hating myself, stop self-sabotaging and ruining good things with my own toxic traits, and stop punishing myself for not knowing better at the time.
My time has come.
This was the year. This was MY year.
This was the time where 20 years of self-hatred came to a halt.
For the first time in my life, I chose to be kind to myself, and learn to appreciate who I am instead of focusing solely on the things I feel I am not.
For those who have been following, I want to share with you that while I have been on this journey to self-love, I made the decision to get a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy, in Tijuana, Mexico on October 22nd, 2021. I had researched it since 2018, but it wasn’t until June of this year that I decided to go ahead, and take the leap into the unknown. Despite the challenges getting there, I know without a doubt it was the best choice I could’ve made for myself and my life.
I had a lot of support; my mother, my ladder, my dad and his girlfriend all were united as a supportive base on this journey. My brothers have been encouraging, and sharing their concerns and checking in on me as I have been in recovery the past week in a half. I have had numerous amounts of people message me, or my mother just to see how I have been feeling and healing- so many I can’t possibly respond to them all. But I think one of the best parts of this experience that I was thankful to witness, was seeing every member of my family come together as a united front for me, in different ways. This was one of the biggest blessings I never expected and will forever be grateful for.
That’s what love means for me, I have realized. It means showing up, when you are needed and understanding that sacrificing your time, money, or
wisdom is the most authentic demonstration of love. Supporting someone’s choice to bettering themselves even when you’re worried or fearful of an unknown outcome. Being present in both the good and most difficult times, where loyalties never falter or fade.
This was the path that I was meant to go down- and I say that with 100% confidence. I am a believer in when things are supposed to go a certain way, doors will open for you.
And 2021 has been the year of open doors, one after another.
I think the door I am most excited about though, is the one I will open in a few months as I am able to see who I truly am for the first time in the mirror.
I already see a glimpse of the person I am becoming, as I await for the time when my outside appearance matches the beauty of my inside. Where my quiet confidence roars like a victorious lion, after surviving a fierce battle for its life.
This decision is the best decision I have ever made for myself.
My story is just getting good.
The best has yet to come.
