I’ve heard “you’re only as old as you feel” for as long as I can remember.
While I may be 31 years old in age, in my heart I’m still about 12 years old. Where Disney movies still haven’t lost their wonder, no one laughed at you for having a stuffed animal collection, ice cream was an appropriate dinner, and when I had crushes on all the superheroes- especially Superman and my eternal dream to be his Lois Lane.
My “child-like” side of me is one of my most favorite sides of me. Its also the side of me that my healing journey has helped me find again. Living in a headspace where adult problems took over my life for so long, it was hard to just be carefree and enjoy living. I didn’t know what peace truly felt like- it was foreign and terrifying to me. I lived most of my life asking myself “What does it feel like to be calm?” People always talked about it and I always internally craved it…. but how would I know what calm was if I ever actually got to experience it?
When I was 27 I experienced “calm” for the first time. School had just finished and I remember the moment. It was winter and I was sitting there on the couch, looking at my phone since it would quiet my mind after a chaotic work day. I put my phone down for a moment and just observed. My cats were mostly sleeping all around me, my then-boyfriend was watching the tv intently although I can’t remember the show, it was raining outside, and the fireplace was going. Apparently I was staring without knowing and my boyfriend asked me what I was staring at and why I was being creepy. That part of this memory just made me laugh out loud, lol. I remember in that moment it felt so peaceful. I immediately observed that the feeling I was experiencing was my version of “calm”. I looked around and for the first time I thought… “So THIS is what calm feels like. I think I could get used to this.”
Now I realize that being calm was the same thing as being content and happy in my life. I’m glad that back then I couldn’t see it as that, as me acknowledging I was happy in the moment would’ve terrified me for some reason. I always felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy because I felt I had done so many things to others to impede in their happiness, just existing in a moment feeling content would’ve caused me a lot of guilt. How could I be happy myself, when I was the cause of destroying someone else’s happiness so many times in my life? At least that’s how I felt.
On my journey of singleness I’ve found that I alone am enough for happiness in my life. Not everyone in life reaches a peak such as that, and I truly wish that for everyone. I truly have felt freedom now. Not freedom in the sense that “my life was so bad and someone else ruined my life.” But the freedom in the understanding that “I am my own person. I have my own thoughts, feelings, and things I enjoy and I am free to embrace them and enjoy them without worrying how that impacts someone else.” 
I can spend time with my family without worrying about ruining someone else’s day, I can go to the park to walk whenever the mood strikes me, I can travel, I can sleep as long and often as I want, I can cook the things I want to try, and create routines based around my own preferences. I can just simply live and enjoy each day without having to have the answers to everything and without concern for someone else.
I’ve been in seasons of life where I’ve been codependent and then the most recent season where I experienced the opposite, which is known as hyper-independence (also a trauma response). I’ve found that the best place for me to thrive is being right in the middle.
There are some adventures you need to go on alone and for me, personally, healing is one of them. You can still be in a relationship and go on this journey, but for me I’ve found more comfort in doing it alone so I don’t feel like I’m hurting another person in the process. I was able to acknowledge some toxic thoughts and patterns in my own behavior as I was healing that I was projecting onto my partner, and I knew that while my intentions were good it was hurting him.
Sometimes while we heal, we can project our anger or feelings onto someone else if we don’t have a positive therapeutic outlet. It doesn’t mean we are intentionally being toxic, but it does mean that in order to continue working on ourselves we need the space and freedom to do so. Being with someone during this process was very painful for me and sent me into an emotional spiral because I couldn’t truly focus on my own needs. I was always more worried about his thoughts, his feelings, and his ability to get what he was wanting vs what I was truly needing. I felt like my emotional needs were left extremely unmet, and while I could blame him for that it was also something I contributed to. I always care for others but I was struggling in caring for me. I never knew how to.
Without a doubt, taking control of my life has been the most painful and difficult thing I’ve ever experienced, but years after I started my journey I can see why it was so important. I am at the “prime of my life” and as such, it is pivotal that I heal and love myself enough to acknowledge what I want for myself moving forward. I can’t go back to the past, and I know things happened the way they were supposed to. Even if it was devastating and heart breaking in some ways.
I used to be so certain in what I wanted for my life that I think I went somewhat bonkers. The reality is I just want to be truly happy. I don’t need a ring on my finger, a man, or kids to find happiness in my life. I am living happily now and I don’t any either of those things.
However, the desire for more in my life does indeed still remain, and while the desire remains I must also face reality and so will those who love me in my life. So in response to the burning questions I’m always asked…. here you go. I’ll help you out some, lol.
Do I want to get married?
Maybe. If I met the right person.
But I would be perfectly fine doing this life thing alone. Which is seeming to be the more rational reality after witnessing how toxic and chaotic trying to date in 2021 has become. I don’t think people even know how to date.
Do I want to have kids?
Maybe. If that person and I decided that was what we BOTH wanted and could BOTH make changes in our lives to support the shift that having children can create. It would be a joint decision.
Do I have to have it all figured out right now?
Absolutely not. Nor do I want to.
I can think of a few who would roll their eyes at me if they knew I said this one, as this is a drastic change in my perspective from today and the me I was almost 2 years ago. 😂
The only expectations I’ll be meeting anytime soon are my own. I’m living life on my own terms from here on out without fear of whom I disappoint. 👍🏼
So I’m going to buy the stuffed animal with googly eyes 
and draw the pictures of plants with goofy faces. I’m going to splash in the rain, lay in the front yard to stare at the sky during a full moon, and sing horribly off pitched to every song I can remember the words to. I’m going to always choose to see Disney movies over anything else out in theatres, wear my penguin hat until it falls apart, and make up names for things, such as flippers for feet. I’m going to dance goofy in the kitchen with my cat (at times against her wishes, lol), spend time in nature appreciating the view, and invest in those people in my life who have made the time and effort to demonstrate that they love me, are FOR me, and make me feel like I make their life better instead of holding them back.
Life is too short to spend it always pursuing things that may or may not ever happen. It’s always good to have dreams, but the moment I decided to evaluate myself I was able to identify those things which were of MOST value to ME and not based on the people I was surrounded by. I had to be realistic about which was most likely not going to happen at my age which
was not a fun moment for me, if I’m being honest. Biologically my body will not be able to produce a child at some point, which has always been a dream of mine, but something I also know I’m not willing to experience with just ANYONE. But I will be content if it does or doesn’t happen.
Life always happens the way it is supposed to. Once I figured that out, the pieces of my puzzle started to take shape and I could see the bigger picture.
And I am thankful to God everyday that I didn’t get what I thought I wanted. I can tell there’s something big coming my way.
Some call it a feeling.
Some call it manifesting.
Some call it luck.
I call it Faith.
Always,
Madi
