It’s Madi…Choosing a Peaceful Mind
Choosing “A Peaceful Mind”
About 4-5 years ago I was doing some self-assessing as to why it’s been so difficult for me and making decisions. Something as simple as what to eat when dining out, what brand of toothpaste to get from the store, or what shoes to wear to work have always been extremely anxiety inducing for me, especially when I can tell it frustrates someone else. I discovered the core issue i was dealing with was “I only make bad decisions.” This has played a role in my life, especially when it comes to decisions which come with a long-term commitment- a decision I tend to avoid making. I learned in my own counseling that this is actually a trauma response I am exhibiting, and so as a means to take control of my life I’ve made a list of 30 things I want to do before the end of 2021.
On that list, one of the first things carrying some level of commitment was getting a tattoo; quite small compared to getting married or buying a house. I figured that was a safe place to begin… 😉.
For some, people may laugh because getting a tattoo isn’t a big deal to them, as i know some who do so every other Friday. But getting a tattoo was something I always struggled in doing since I always feared making decisions that carried a certain level of permanency. I always liked the option to retreat if needed when things got too scary or required a certain level of follow through. I enjoyed the freedom of knowing I can always change my mind. This approach resembles the “fight or flight” reaction I discuss with patients in counseling. I usually found comfort in “flying” away when things got hard, terrifying, or too intense for me- especially when it involves other people. Simply put, I was scared to set down roots.
I always knew I wanted a tattoo.
t boards for all kinds of tattoos since I was a teenager. I selected probably 4-5 that I’d like to get someday through the years, but the reality of having something on my skin forever terrified me. You couldn’t erase or remove it afterwards. That terrified me.
There was no going back.
This was my approach to a simple tattoo.
I felt ridiculous.
All I knew was that if I was going to be getting one, I needed to love it and it needed to be meaningful.
Looking back, I also I didn’t get one because I was so worried about shame and judgement from others, especially from family members who wouldn’t understand.
I saw how many people around me responded and essentially condemned me for getting my nose pierced and didn’t want to deal with the judgement or drama again. I was so happy about it yet was told it looked “trashy” or “that’s not the example I want to set for my children.” It was a nose piercing. I let others ruin my excitement of one of the first things I chose for myself. I lived the first few years of having it being ashamed of it.
I didn’t pierce my nose for anyone else but me.
But also, it was the safer option compared to a tattoo since it could always grow back (and did, twice, lol).
After my sexual assault earlier this year, I needed something to help me move forward, remain hopeful, and avoid falling back into the trenches that depression and shame have housed my heart in the past. I had gotten to a point in my healing that I was back to “a happy normal” when this happened to me. In the past, this would’ve sent me into a spiral of month-long depression. However, instead of returning to the familiar pattern of self-sabotage, I decided to turn it into something different- something beautiful.
I went to probably 6-7 different tattoo shops in Lexington to see if there was a price and a place that made me feel most comfortable (cue my issue with making decisions, lol). The tattoo artist I chose was in Dry Ridge, and had a good sense of humor, made me feel comfortable, and let me make jokes about his Viking beard without pause. Lol. His simple kindness and cheeky personality immediately took away the edge of nerves, and his confidence in giving me what I wanted helped put me at ease.
On April 29th my friend Amanda and I drove to a Dry Ridge in the pouring down rain- I was slightly concerned that I wouldn’t make it, lol. Amanda was the best support I could’ve had, being my own personal cheerleader in the tattoo shop that day. She even ended up getting a small tattoo herself of a baby dinosaur named Timmy, lol.
I kinda giggled at first- it tickled I thought.
They said it would be painful….
I’m weird I guess, lol.
I got the whole tattoo in one sitting. Outline and color completed in a little less than 3 hours.
At first, I thought, “What have I done?” As it was sore and throbbing for days afterwards, and I was concerned about it healing correctly.
I even got some ink on my pillow.
But the longer I had it and the more it healed, the more I loved it. I could look over my shoulder in the mornings and see it peering at me. A small reminder of a moment I could’ve let destroy me but chose to rise from the ashes from instead.
I call my tattoo “A Peaceful Mind.”
The girl is meditating, thinking of positive things for her future, the blessings she has, and the people she loves. She is manifesting positivity in her life. The flowers and leaves represent nature, which is often where I go when I need to work through something difficult or need to find peace in my life.
The colors I chose for the flowers are blue, pink, and orange.
“Blue represents both the sky and the sea, and is associated with freedom, intuition, and inspiration. Blue also represents spiritual depth, trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, faith, and intelligence.”
“Pink has a spiritual meaning of having a right relationship with God. This is something I’ve had to really work hard at in the last year of my life and aligning myself with his way, instead of my own personal wants and desires. Pink also represents unconditional love, empathy, kindness, and healing- things I am needing to work on giving to myself and want to give to others. Also, it represents breast cancer as that has effected many people in my life, including my mother and grandmother.”
“Orange represents confidence, joy, and enthusiasm. Also supportive of creativity, emotional balance, passion, freedom, and intuition.”
I had the tattoo placed on my left shoulder blade/back. I put it on the left side since that is closest to my heart, and in doing research I found that back tattoos often symbolize “the foundation of our lives.” My tattoo holds significance from a point in my life where I could’ve chosen the path of self-destruction, as was an uncomfortable yet familiar pattern in my life. But instead, I chose the path of healing and reinvention of myself. Additionally, the back placement was to signify the importance of focusing on healing despite the scars that may remain. It’s okay to still carry your scars, as long as they don’t stop you from living or loving.
I love my tattoo and the significance it carries for me.
It’s a symbol of a time in my life where I overcame something painful and rose above it. I chose healing over anger and self-destruction. I chose to speak out instead of allowing it to destroy me from the inside out.
It symbolizes a new chapter for me.
A new beginning.
A moment I became my own hero and owned what happened instead of running away from it.
I chose to pursue a path of change for myself- a turning point in my life.
I chose to seek and find a peaceful mind. ♥️
Always,
Madi
