God, Me, and the Mirror
If someone asked me to describe myself a few years ago I would’ve listed off all the things that were wrong about me, without hesitation. There was nothing positive I could find in my reflection, or in my spirit regardless what everyone else said they could see within me.
Over the past year I’ve experienced an emotional rollercoaster that I wasn’t sure would ever end. I refer to this season of my life as one where my past mistakes caught up with me, and it was truly humbling. My heart was broken, and I was losing who I truly was again due to overwhelming anger, a common emotion it seems that sends me on a warpath. It was like a switch had flipped inside of me. So I had a choice- I could repeat my past mistakes, or I could make some changes.
I chose to make changes.
However this time, I knew better ways of how to manage what I was experiencing. And I’ve always said “when I know better, I’ll do better.” So I worked really hard to handle things in the spirit of healing, truth, and forgiveness over the self-destructive manner of anger and revenge that was rising to the surface.
I immediately wanted to rush out into the world, and find old and familiar ways to help me deal with my hurt. I hurt a few friends who were very kind to me during this time in the process of figuring that out, but I knew this was a journey I needed to go on alone. Masking pain never truly works out in the long term, for me.
I’ve never really understood why I felt this pull to be alone for a while between relationships, but now at 31, I know.
I don’t like to be the same person when I exit one relationship and enter another. If you don’t allow yourself time to self-reflect on your own faults in the undoing of a relationship, you often make no changes. In turn you end up carrying problems from one relationship over to the next; hence the analogy of “unpacking your suitcase.” Thus, continuing a repetitive cycle of self-loathing and not being able to love others or yourself properly.
I’ve witnessed this in my life through friends, former partners, and myself. I also observed how that would be a disservice to myself and any future partner I would have since old issues can taint new relationships. And honestly, I don’t even know if I even WANT to be with someone ever again.
It has become clear that being alone is the path that God has meant for me at this point in my life. When you wake up feeling peaceful and without regret for how you’ve handled things of value in your life- that’s when you know you’ve done things according to his plan. 
I thank God everyday for second chances and unlimited opportunities to get things right. I am thankful for a spirit of forgiveness and Him keeping me humble. I am in awe of the blessings he has given me, even though I know that I am completely undeserving of them.
Knowing that my life is in the hands of someone who knows me better then I know myself is a gift, and has blanketed my spirit with this sense of security and calm that I have sought after my whole life. ThiS is a gift no human being can ever give to another. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I could be happy for the rest of my days, even if all I had was Him alone.
Just God and me.
Thank you God, for the mirror.
For the first time I truly love what I see.
Madi♥️
