Its Madi…..
Not Every Deserves your Hugs
“I just wanted a hug.”
That’s the response I gave to a friend of mine after I described in detail an assault, I experienced 2 months ago, earlier this year.
The moment I realized that loneliness was started to take shape in my life and welcome back a former pattern of self-sabotage.
The moment I recognized that I needed to be more in control of myself and be more intentional with who I keep in my company.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened in my life, but it was the first time that truly left me breathless and gasping for air.
I never saw it coming.
It was broad daylight.
There were people outside walking their dogs. The friendly older neighbor man who always asks where my boyfriend is had just sped by on his mobile scooter a few moments before and waved at me. And this was someone I had known through a mutual friend.
We were sitting there in the car, just talking. And all of a sudden it took an unwanted turn. Why didn’t I move or get out of the car? I remember sitting there paralyzed in terror feeling as if my feet were glued to the floorboard of the car.
And the door was an arm’s length away.
I looked at it, yet in my panic I froze.
I can bench 245lbs at an incline at the gym on a good day yet pulling the door handle at that moment was a task I was unable to do.
I knew in the moment that I was beginning to dissociate. Which could keep me in danger. I knew I was there physically, but I wasn’t mentally present.
Then I felt a whoosh of calm come over me.
Some quiet strength rising up from within my spirit.
It had to be God. I don’t know any other way to describe the feeling I had as I felt my voice resurface.
I yelled, “No,” as my voice trembled.
Many times.
I slapped him. HARD.
“I said no.”
And yet he did not listen, and I remained there paralyzed.
I saw nothing but fog.
I felt nothing but fear.
And I immediately began searching for a safe place in my mind. I was mad at myself for what I thought of in that moment- or should I say WHO.
Wow.
Cue the rollercoaster of emotions.
Mentally I was fighting for a safe place. When you find something that helps you mend your broken places you see it as the oasis in the middle of the desert.
I prayed. Determined to not get trapped into the everlasting sink hole that can occur after an event like this in someone’s life.
“People depend on me. I can’t let this destroy me.”
Looking back, it could’ve been SO much worse, as this person actually thought he would follow me into my apartment after that. He started to get out of the car as I did.
Me: “What are you doing?”
Him: “Well, I thought you’d invite me in.”
Me: “After what you just did, you’re not even going to know which apartment is mine and you will never see me again.” I said to him.
And he sat there, stunned, I’m sure. I could feel him watching me as I went and sat in my own car waiting for him to leave.
He sat there for what seemed like hours but was probably 4-5 minutes in actuality. I felt he was waiting for me to walk to my apartment, watching me through his dark tinted windows. Now I felt I could better understand why he kept them dark, and I doubted it was something pleasant.
After I watched his car disappear out of sight, I walked to my apartment cautiously, locked the doors, went and placed my gun on my nightstand, pet my cats, and went to sleep.
I didn’t tell anyone.
I didn’t want them to think I was “playing the victim.”
But I was one.
I was ashamed. I didn’t know who to tell so I didn’t tell anyone for two months. Then I confided in the friend that knew this person. He noticed immediately that his friend was acting funny, indication that he was hiding something.
“I believe you,” he said. “What can I do to help you?”
Wow.
I didn’t need anything after that.
All I needed was someone to believe me.
I had already numbed myself to the fact this happened. Tried to drown out the noise in my heart that was screaming. But by the power of being believed…. I no longer felt caged by the emotions which resulted from this day.
Days before I could tell I was reverting back to an old defense mechanism of anger. I was so angry that it happened. Angry that I didn’t protect myself better. Angry that my boundaries were crossed. Angry that feeling lonely caused me to make decisions to be in that situation in the first place.
Especially since all I was seeking that day was a hug.
A moment of connection with someone.
I even made myself clear that was my intention.
I learned a valuable lesson that day. I learned that sometimes even wanting a hug can be harmful if it’s not the right person.
Not everyone deserves your hugs
Madi….
