It’s Mama
M is for Madison…..Your Sister
I John 4:1
And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister
When I think of you, Madison, the word “Wholehearted One” is what comes first to my mind. From the time of your first cry at birth when even the nurses said, “Mama, you have a fighter on your hands” to this very day, everything you do is with your whole heart.
Everything you do, everything you have ever done, is with your whole heart, your whole mind, your whole personhood….and, that has been glorious to watch…painful to watch….life changing to be a part of.
At your request, and with your permission to be wholeheartedly honest, I write this as my gift of love to you….to document your journey on these past thirty-one years around the sun….
I can remember the day I took my first pregnancy test and knew for sure what my body had been telling me for weeks….I was pregnant. I remember going into the kitchen at 3257 Hunting Hills Road and sharing the news with your dad…he said, “give me a minute” and sat down to absorb the news.
While we had been planning for you, I think the fact that we actually had a baby on the way was a bit of a shock…albeit a good one. He quickly recovered and we hugged. I knew in that minute that things would be very different moving forward…we were no longer “DINKS” (double income no kids) but were now a family of three.
We didn’t tell any family because we learned this news right before your Uncle Chuck and Aunt Frankie’s wedding and didn’t want to spoil the joy of their big day, so we waited until they had left for their honeymoon to tell everyone.
To say everyone was overjoyed is a significant understatement. Grammy, Poppy, and even your Great Grandmother Frances and Great Aunt Linda was there to hear the exciting news…I honestly don’t remember telling Mamaw and Papaw…I think your dad called them to tell them, but I know they were excited! The next time we went to Paintsville, Mamaw hugged me so hard, and Papaw said, “I bet it’s a girl”…and you were!!
This was the beginning of the “magic” season of my and your dad’s life…..and, you were a very much wanted child. Your dad and I were very different from the very beginning and had had a serious rough patch prior to your coming along, but I think knowing you were on your way helped us focus on what was important….you
I absolutely adored being pregnant with you….and, felt the most beautiful I had ever felt. Determined to be very healt!hy, I went to maternal exercise classes all the way through my pregnancy going on a Monday evening and delivering you on a Tuesday evening!
Everything about being pregnant with you was wonderful…I loved carrying you close to my heart. You were a very active baby and women at church would tell me, “how they are in the womb is how they will be once they get here” and they were right!! Some would tease me because I would “rock” you back and forth during church service, lightly swaying right to left enjoying having you close and safe
.
The day of your delivery truly was magical! My water broke early in the morning, so we called Dr. Hager and he said, “go directly to the hospital…do not pass go….do not collect $200” a play off of the Monopoly game so it is funny that we love playing card Monopoly so much!
So, off your dad and I went…”to the party” as your dad would say. And, on the way to Central Baptist Hospital he said, “we are having the time of our lives” for the first of what I am sure was one million times…which at first was really cute, but after hours of labor, I had to ask him to stop 😊. Probably not so nicely😊 as labor pains hit.
I can honestly say that I don’t think I felt love from your dad as much as I did when I was pregnant with you. And, then your brothers. And, that feeling is what I pulled from many times over the years….
The moment you arrived, and they laid you on my chest was life-changing for me. The weight of being responsible for another human was preciously heavy in all the wonderful and beautiful ways that having a child settles on a new parent.
You were perfect!
I remember holding your little face up to my lips and whispering “Sweetpea, it’s Mama and I will always love you as only your Mama can, now and forever” and that was the birth of “ILYAOYMC”. I didn’t realize the significance of those words until later, but those words have stuck and carried you, your brothers, and I for thirty-one years.
Your dad and I carried you home and that was the beginning of the most magical season of my life…you were then and still are my princess girl….
For eight days, our life was perfection….Grammy came on/off to stay and help, your dad took off a few days…and we settled into our new routine.
It was everything
On April 19th we received a call from UK clinic telling us about PKU and trying to explain the seriousness of it and that we need to get to the UK hospital that day or the next. A lot of that season is a blur, but what I do remember is that Judy Leek, a dear friend of ours, cancelled a flight she had to go out of town and met us at the hospital. I don’t want to share all of the emotions and thoughts we had because what is important is that we figured it all out and started again.
I learned everything….everything….everything I could about PKU and ended up being the first mom of a UK PKU child to nurse a baby. It was a tough decision because there was not anyone to ask if we should do it or not, but I wanted that bonding. Some said it was selfish, some said it was too scary, some said I needed to bind myself up and feed you the PKU formula that the Doctor’s prescribed. What I felt at that time was that you and I would need the bonding that comes from nursing you and Judy Leek, a biochemist, agreed. I’ll never forget her words to me, “Lesa, you are Madison’s mother…figure out what you think is best for her and do that”. So, while keeping copious journals of your feedings to document your PKU levels, I made the decision to nurse you a
nd never looked back with regret. Mother’s milk is the best God had for you and that is what I wanted you to have. I got so good at “feeling what your levels would be” that Carol Reid would call me when she processed a level and asked me what I thought it was and most of the time, I was right! True story!! Seeking the “perfect 2” became an important mission in life and while stressful, I would not change that decision for anything. What I know now is that nursing you helped grow the protective coating around your little brain which is why you are so smart now! Praise God for Judy Leek!
She gave me the courage to do what no other UK PKU mother had done up to that point and I am forever grateful.
Life at 3257 Hunting Hills Drive became “normal for us” and we stayed there until you were two years old.
I learned during this season to be grateful for every single step of your life. Every first became magical! First poopie, first bath, first word, first trip to Grammy and Poppy’s, first trip to Mamaw and Papaw’s was seen through a magnifying class of hope and determination that you would be healthy. When you took your steps at barely nine months, folks thought your dad and I were ridiculous, but they didn’t understand what we did…that had we not caught your PKU early, and managed it well, you might not have taken steps at all. But we did understand!
I was determined that you would not be defined by PKU, so I tried my best to incorporate it into your life in a seamless manner for you. And, while this blog is for you from me, I do want you to know that while I carried most of the responsibility of caring for your PKU, your dad also participated in the journey by taking your blood specimens frequently, which I know had to be hard on him. He then, would drive them over to the clinic and the wait for Carol’s call would start.
It was because of your having PKU that I went to your dad and shared my hope that I could stay home with you. This was a sticking point for your dad, but my plan was to use my retirement from PNC Bank to fund my stay if I had to, and so 
that is what we did. I was able to stay home ten years that I would not have otherwise been able to do and for which I have no regrets. It was also the first time I ever asked for anything major in our marriage and the last, but it was the most important.
Watching you grow from infant to toddler to preschooler was some of the most precious time of our lives. You were a very active baby and little girl…and, we
have so 
many memories of you which bring joy and laughter even now as I take my mind back…
One of my favorites was that time I worked part time for a season from 9am until 1pm every day and you were at Montessori. They called me and told me “Lesa, we cannot get Madison out of the tree here at school”. It was about noon, so I left work early and arrived at the school to see you at the very top of this tree (I think it was a Magnolia) and sure enough, you would not come down. You had been there for about 45 minutes and your teachers were quite frustrated with you. I said “Madison, come down from that tree…right now” and you started crying, “But, Mama, I don’t have on any shorts under my dress, and everyone will see my panties”. You had worn a dress that day and didn’t realize you forgot your shorts!! So, we made sure to move the other kids into the classroom and down you came! That was the first of many fun adventures with you…and I cherish everyone.
As your brothers and I have talked many times, the ten years we spent at Balsam Drive were our favorite. It was there that neighbors saw the four of us together so much that they called us, “Lesa and the three” so we became, “Me and the three”. We lived a pretty financially poor life at Balsam Drive but a very rich personal life. Some of my favorite memories are:
• Having the PKU annual event at our home right after we moved in on the orange shag carpet.
- Your taking naps with me when I was pregnant with the boys
- • My sleeping on the floor of the boy’s bedroom while you slept in the twin bed and they in their cribs.
• Dot and Elmer
• The missionary family down the street
• Your learning to ride your bikes on the street.
• Growing plants together on the back porch
• Our many wonderful neighbors
• Being close to everything
• Walking to Kroger, Baskin and Robbins, the duck pond, the doctor’s office
• Walking frequently to school at Garden Springs
• Playing in the back yard
• So many “hand me downs” from others (furniture, clothes)
• The horrible, green, long couch which was one of the few times I put my foot down and made your dad get rid of it! It was brought to our house after me telling the owner that no thank you, we did not want it
• Taking the green carpet off the stairs and refinishing them so I could hear the pitter patter of your kid’s feet as they came down the wooden stairs.
• Watching you children play various sports in league play often with your dad as coach
• The neighbor planting flowers in our back yard without telling us the year before he died. The next Spring, they came up and we had to ask his wife to figure out how they got there!
• Helen and Phil and all they did to love and support us.
• Home schooling you in the summer so you would hit the ground running in the Fall.
• Riding bikes as a family
• Taking you to that old neighborhood pool which was really pretty nasty but you kids loving it and your dad coming over after work to get us
• ALL the clothes Mackenzie gave you and spending HOURS trying to keep them organized (I would pass on this if I had to do over); appreciate the generosity, but that was waaaaayyyyy too much work!
• ALWAYS making homemade Christmas gifts for the family and you kids painting your handprints on the plain packages
• Halloween
• You children climbing the Magnolia tree while I mowed the tiny front yard and then climbing the swing set and riding bikes while I mowed the barely bigger back yard.
• Rocking each of you in the “mama” chair that your Mamaw gave me which I still have today in the very same material (I need to have it reupholstered)
• Piano lessons
• Working at the church voluntarily for seven years and then as a part time paid staff for two years before “retiring”; you children helped me many times cut out things for Bible classes.
The list could go on and on and I think you children would agree that the years at Balsam Drive were our happiest as a family…I carry the memories of this season as a family as some of our best!
Then, we moved to Georgetown….and, everything changed. I think for you, it was the hardest. And this is a birthday message for you, so I’ll leave the truth of these years between you and me…but, what I do know is that this is the season that God taught both of us that he can take anything…
Even broken things
And make them beautiful
This is the season of life where our family lost its way and I will always have sorrow for not standing firm against your dad’s wish to move to Georgetown when I felt in my spirit and prayers that it is not where we should go…that leaving our church family, our great schools, and wonderful neighbors was a mistake. But I was taught that you followed your husband’s leading, and so, we did.
I have always felt that my doing so caused you to lose respect for me and caused you to feel like you lost the strong foundation we had given you and your brothers up to this point.
From the moment we arrived in Georgetown, things did not go well for our family and it has taken a lot of change, time, and prayer to move us out of that season and into the season we are in now…
Our family lost a lot when we moved to Georgetown….and, you children lost the very most…
But what we gained is proof that God can take anything…truly anything and forgive it, heal it, and make it even stronger than what it was before. 
The season from 2002 to 2011 while life-changing for all of us, seems to have finally been put to rest….and, while we will all be forever changed by it…even our family tree has been altered…
I am grateful that you children heeded the words of our counselor Rhonda Souder..”there are things worse than divorce and, you are living in it. You may choose…to let what has happened destroy your spirit or you may choose to let what happened grow you stronger than you would have ever grown”.
And that is what we have all done….and, it has been a hard-fought journey…
Thank God that same tenacity you had when you were newly born as a fighter was able to carry you through to this season.
And I praise God that not only are you a fighter for good, but you are a fighter for truth and forgiveness. 
Both your Dad and I made grievous, sinful mistakes in our marriage, to one another, and to our family. And, while mine are more condemned because I told the truth and owned it early on and his remain private, both of our sins caused your heart to be hurt and for that I am forever sorrowful. That you and your brothers would forgive me is one of the greatest gifts of my life second only to the forgiveness of God.
But you have grown better than both of your parents.
You hung in there with God and for yourself….you refused to let bad things weigh you down, the words of others keep you off balance, the behaviors of a few destroy your world.
You fought hard to be healthy.
You fought intensely to regain your footing.
You walked alone to finding your way into God’s love and acceptance, forgiveness and grace.
You actually are stronger and wiser in many ways than either of your parents….
Because you understand deeply the value of forgiveness
Because you choose to let go and give over to God
Because you decided to love
Unconditionally
In all ways
Always
I have never seen an individual work harder and longer to have a healed and healthy relationship with a parent than you…with your dad.
I have never observed a person hold a person accountable for truth more strongly than you…with your mom. 
I have never seen a sister try most generously and carefully to love her siblings than you…with your brothers.
You are truly the purest, gentlest, strongest, and most wonderful of
God’s girl
That I have ever known
What a privilege and honor it is to be witness to your journey
To be a part of God’s plan for you
To be your friend
To live as your Mama
I love you as only your Mama can,
Mama
PS. As with you for your brothers, I also asked them to share words they would use to describe you and they shared: honest, caring, loyal, kind, persevering, kind, helpful, playful smart, strong, generous, Godly. You know even better than they do having lived an extra few year the importance and value of having each other in your lives. You understand the importance of making your relationships a priority and not letting too much time go by without being in the presence of one another. The foundation of knowing “truth in the room” is everything and is the beginning of a true and authentic relationship. You know as the sister that sometimes, you have to reach out more to them than they might to you because that is “just how it is” but that when you do, their return to you is everything precious. You three are strong when bound together and powerful in the bad times and amazing in the good. ALWAYS make time to sit down at the table to talk authentically with one another, visit each other every chance you get, make birthdays a priority and holidays a must. Share your life with one another even when it is hard. Love each other with everything you have….be each other’s cheerleaders celebrating your victories and keep one another close to God in your thoughts and prayers.
PPS. It is on this thirty first birthday that my prayer is you lay all of this down having given it over and over to God and put closure on the past, 
l
Looking forward to the future God has in store for you.
Keep working on rebuilding your relationship with your dad, stay close to your brothers, love and reach out to your grandparents and if I may ask, please keep near to me for with you, I am forever a better woman. I love you more than all the sand on all the beaches in all of the world. Mama
