It’s Mama
G is for “Go”
From the time I was a little girl, I always felt like I had to “go”….go to preschool (which I hated and eventually dropped out of), go to school, go to the dentist, go feed the dog, get your brother from the neighbors house for dinner. As I got older, it was go watch your brother and sister, go take care of Granny Perry and the littles outside so I can get dinner done, go get the mail, go fold the laundry, go get ready for church.
Imprinted on my mind is the time your grandparents dropped me off, boxes still intact, at my door room at EKU and drove away with the littles. No fanfare, no help decorating, no dinner before they left. Just go put your stuff in the dorm room and we are on our way. I had on a short red jump suit, all 99 lbs. of me, and watched mom, dad, and the three littles drive away wondering “where do I go now?”
For the first time in my life, it was up to me where, when, how, and with whom I went. I was both excited with this new-found freedom and lost.
Ever the introvert, I was inclined to stay dorm bound either cleaning or studying or reading or listening to James Taylor, Dan Fogelberg, Bread, Eagles, and occasionally Barbara Streisand. My going became focused on class and eventually work as a Resident Assistant. It was as an RA that I began going with friends to ballgames, movies, dates, and all the places college students “go” when left with the freedom of choice.
Four years later, I graduated EKU and moved to my first real job as a paralegal with Fowler, Measle, and Bell working for Taft McKinstry and John Hinkle. I had to go from the safe environs of college dorm life to my first apartment in Lexington, Kentucky. All by myself.
During this season of independent living, going again became less a journey somewhere and more an event of maturation and exploration within myself. I lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment. Having taken with me only my bed, a dresser, wicker chest, table, and one chair, my going was pretty simple (now they would call it Minimalism😊). Mine was not by choice, but rather by lack of having, but I didn’t know any different and was quite happy in my little nest.
Before I knew it, my going included working by day at FMB and by night at Stewarts Home Goods selling china. I met my BFF, Suzanne and then added my BFF, Dianne, and life started expanding for me. Going included working together, fun weekend adventures (ask me about Doc Bundy), running, dining, and all the benefits that come with being young and single in a beautiful city like Lexington. Still the introvert, I was sweet, innocent, and protective of my environment and therefore my comings and goings.
I met your dad during this season, and my going and growing grew to include your dad who was way more social than I. I confess that his need to have company/visitors/family over all the time exhausted me. I regret that I didn’t know how to put words to my feelings of overwhelm with the constant “revolving” door at our home. Going all the time tugged and pulled at the very core of my personhood but I went because it made him happy, and frankly, that was my goal.
We went quite a bit as single people….work, gym, out with friends, ballgames, UK ballgames, ballgames, and more ballgames.
It was actually quite a relief to me when I became pregnant with you, Madison, for I finally felt like I had an excuse to stay home and nest. I loved going places with you, but time home alone with you and your dad was magical. I blossomed and grew during this season as a woman and a mother.
Going now meant flying kites on Mother’s Day, teaching the nursery class at church, going to Jim and Judy Leek with our young family group, visiting our parents, and occasionally a trip somewhere when we could afford it. Going meant PKU doctor visits, inviting friends to our home, and working just long enough to get the job done and then return to home. We left our 3257 Hunting Hills home which we built to “go” to a fixer-upper, the likes of which I had rarely seen before. Orange, shag carpet, moldy kitchen, damp covered porch, and spiral fenced back yard was quite a shock to me when your dad first took me for a look. I said no, I can’t go. He said, yes, this is it. So, I went in faith that where I was being led was where God and my husband wanted me to go.
I can honestly say that I embraced that home with all of my heart. Even when a dear friend, Renee’, came for a visit and said, “Lesa, don’t you want more as a mom for your children than this?” I stood steadfast in my support of the decision to move and said, “this is where God led my husband to lead me to go so, I am here and will make it home”. I truly believed that where God led your Dad was where I was to go, and so I did, with my whole heart.
I remember telling Grammy that “If this is where I am going to live, I am going to make it the best home we can”. The one thing the move to this home did enable me to do was be a stay-at-home mama, something I treasure. While sad to liquidate my retirement at PNC to stay home, your dad and I did just that and used it and my occasional part time job, along with his pay and referee income to stay at home with first you, Madison, and then eventually, your brothers.
I grew to love 110 Balsam Drive, not for all the things it did not have, but for all the things that it did. Our going included trips to the duck pond to feed the ducks bread, adventures to the local pool and park, sledding on the school hill, Baskin and Robbins ice cream stops, many, many trips to Kroger, PNC bank, the laundry mat, and the pediatrician. All of it was within walking distance, and we walked and went a lot, just “me and the three”. 
Going for us included much time spent driving back and forth to Southside Church of Christ where you and your brothers played with all of your very loved church friends while we mothers and fathers worked. It was the happiest time of our lives and I do feel like your dad and I both knew and treasured that season in our lived.
When asked to “go” to Scott County, Madison, you know more than anyone the tears I shed in the thought of leaving our little nest at Balsam Drive. It took your dad three years to convince me to go, but I did go even as foreboding held captive my heart.
So, once again, we packed up and traveled the twenty miles or so to Georgetown, Scott County, Kentucky and set roots all over again. I will always regret this move and my acquiescence to it and to leaving our church family and home. Sometimes, the “going” has a cost to it and this is one of those times.
Once we landed here on 115 Valhalla Place, our going became intense…you children became active in school, multiple sports, and the crazy days of three children participating in many external activities took over the heart of our home. Weekends were spent on the road to baseball, football, basketball, and volleyball tourneys while the road to church grew less and less familiar. At a cost to all of us…to our family.
While we had earthly fun at times and definitely made lifelong friends on the way, the spiritual foundation of our home suffered to the point of breaking.
The moral of this sharing is to be careful where you go….and, to refrain from going where you know God is not leading you.
The journey of life is one which will provide many, many alternate routes. That is the way of it…but be careful to place your steps in the care of a faithful God who will guide you carefully when you seek His direction.
God gives us free will for a purpose. He wants us to seek Him with all of our heart on all of our journeys. That all of our “coming and going” should be with him as our guide and as our leader. When you do that, your path will be made straight. Sometimes, that may mean standing firm against others who would call you to a different direction.
Know who you are and whose you are….and go….walk toward Him.
And then, as you know, our going included a move of the three of you and me to Gatewood Drive. This is our “love lives here” home that I think has been a place of healing for all four of us. Going here included many souls wrenching emotional trips between the four of us, some good and some painful. But it is a trip we have taken together which I will forever treasure because we grew real and authentic with one another in a way I would never want to forego.
Proof that God never wastes anything…not even pain.
At this season of life, our going has had to be more purposeful. With you three children living in different areas and all of us having work, jobs, church, lives, friendships, and the myriad of life-opportunities that could pull us away from one another, but we don’t let it.
I am forever grateful and thankful that you make time, even if it is just a short moment, to be together. I appreciate the kindness and compassion you demonstrate toward one another, ever reminding me of the importance of being one another’s “day ones”.
I respect who you are growing to become and the warrior heart each of you possesses.
I love that you are quick to forgive others and slow to bind grudges.
You are going into life each day is such a blessing to watch and be a part of and a gift to my mother’s heart that makes me smile.
So, as we go into the time God blesses us with, my prayer is that we never forget whose we are, from where we have come, and the road we seek to travel will always include one another.
Go forth and do good, Madison, Kenton, and Johnson
I love you as only your Mama can,
Mama
