Today marks my thirtieth year of being a mother, mama, mom…mommy. When I was trying to become pregnant with my first child, everything seemed so possible. Scott (my children’s dad) and I were so “organized” that we only planned for a Spring baby, so when the first attempt was made and not successful (during the months of June through August of 1988, we stopped trying until the next year. Thankfully, in 1989, we were blessed to become pregnant with our first child, a daughter, and life was forever changed in every way. Madison made me a first-time mom here on earth and it was and is a magical experience.
We did not fully understand our “pregnancy” arrogance…or, as I like to say, “faith” in getting pregnant until we attempted a second child with no immediate success. Very quickly, we abandoned the “spring” baby effort and became second-time parent warriors. Both Scott and I focused on a sibling for our daughter, and after three years of trying every month with a little help from science, we became pregnant. We knew of this pregnancy for exactly five weeks and 4 days before our very wanted pregnancy was gone. While we don’t know for certain the gender of our baby, we always felt it was a boy and Madison gave him the name of Joseph Matthew Scott McKenzie. He was eleven weeks and four days gestationally old when he went to go to heaven on November 11, 1993. Just as Madison made me a Mama here on earth, Joseph made me a mom there in heaven and it was both a sorrowful and magical experience.
We began in earnest trying again for a sibling for our daughter spending a great deal of time, effort, and money in that journey. I am forever changed by that season in my life because it is when I became authentic in my realization of the power of our Almighty God. I spent more time on my knees in prayer than I did on my feet in living. That is Joseph’s gift to me – reminder of who’s child we really are.
Blessedly, we became pregnant in 1994 and knew of this pregnancy in it’s very early stages. Looking back now, we were brave to share that news with our family and friends from the moment I received the call of the “great news”. This season was perhaps one of the most tender and precious seasons of my life. Madison, who was four years at the time, on our way to our first ultrasound said, “you know you are going to have two brothers for me don’t you”. And, she was right! Scott and I took her with us to the ultrasound appointment in explicit faith that this pregnancy was going to be a healthy one. Etched on my Mama’s heart forever is Madison’s squeals of delight when sure enough, “there are two babies, Mama…there are two babies”! Our whole family was so moved…it was a magical day. Even more magical was the due date. Our sons, Kenton and Johnson were born on the due date of Joseph’s due date…May 31, 1995. I have never felt like God “replaced” Joseph with Kenton and Johnson. But, having them born on that date is a constant reminder of God’s tender compassion and love for us. He is so good.
I do not take my motherhood lightly nor for granted. Other things in my life have changed substantially. Some for the better and some have come from a season of sorrow. But, one thing has never changed. The deep-seated, life altering, love I have for my children and they for me.
It is Madison, Joseph, Kenton and Johnson who have most grounded me to the foundation of God. They, more than any other humans on this earth inspire me to be my best, most Godly self. It is they who taught me what success and failure look and feel like, how important family traditions are even when our family dynamic changed, and what it is to unconditionally love someone.
I have sat at the feet of each of my children in different seasons in life in various roles.
I have been Mama, teacher, leader; I have been mentor, chauffer, doctor. We have trick or treated, rescued a dog (Jewel) and fed the ducks. We have walked 100 miles up and down Alexandria drive, climbed the Magnolia tree in our front yard, and laid on the hard concrete of our homes’ driveway looking at the stars. We swung “higher Mama” and looked for bugs under the rocks. We planted our little herb garden, mowed, and swam at the neighborhood pool. I have rocked my babies one at a time, two at a time, and even three at a time savoring the smell of their hair. Their little hands fit mine perfectly every single time we held hands…and, gratefully, that was often. We softballed, baseballed, basketballed, gymnasticed, balleted, and painted together. We had traditions we carry to this day, especially Mother’s Day kite flying. The list could go on forever…and, I thank God for every memory and every photo memorializing every memory!
I have sat at the feet of each of my children in times of great joy and celebration, and even in a season of great despair and sorrow. And, I am grateful that we somehow managed to love one another through it all. That is the greatest gift we give to one another. Grace. Forgiveness. Commitment. Unconditional Love.
Those that know us, know they often are asked to write me a note in lieu of a gift. I have all of them from over the years, but I confess, I am not certain which mean the most. The ones written in their little scribbling handwriting, or those received as adult children. I think I’ll just love them all!
My children are not perfect, nor is their mother. But what I am certain of this Mother’s Day of 2020, is that we are perfect for one another.
I am learning that this gift of being a mother is one of God’s greatest and I am so eternally grateful that He chose me to be Mama to my precious babies…
Madison Elizabeth Jewel
Joseph Matthew Scott
Kenton Perry Levi
Johnson Robert Luke
I thank God today and all days that he blessed me with being Mama to my four children. My prayer is that we make use of every opportunity, not matter how great or how small, to share and grow our love for one another.
ILYAOYMC (I love you as only your Mama can)
Mama