It’s Mama………….
The Pink Season Deux
November 24th – December 7th initiated and confirmed a re-diagnosis of breast cancer after a fifteen-year remission. While not totally surprised….God, as He always does, gave me signs of this news so I was, while not prepared, accepting and accepted God’s nod to me that I would lean pink this year….
Stage Zero DCIS in 2008 had moved to Stage 1a Luminal B in 2024….lumpectomy and radiation had changed to lumpectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. Treatment at St. Joseph in Lexington, Kentucky had moved to treatment at Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville, Tennessee.
Jackie Matar, MD and church friend had moved to Ingrid Meszoely, MD.
I love that my Vanderbilt breast cancer team was all women…it seemed fitting that a diagnosis of breast cancer which returned me into the world of “pink” should be led by a group of women who had breasts and could understand best my journey…
Dr. Ingrid Meszoely (my surgeon) Vanderbilt
Dr. Sarah Nunnery (my oncologist) Vanderbilt
Dr. Jackie Matar (who helped me move my radiation treatment to Lexington, Ky)
Dr. Anuradha Chakavarthy (Dr. Chak) (radiological oncologist) Vanderbilt
Dr. Kelly Burgess (my heroine and local Primary Care Physician)
Allison Walker, NP Vanderbilt
Kathryn Anderson, PA Vanderbilt
This was my team….STRONG, vital, intelligent, articulate, and encouraging women who used their wisdom, skillset, and brawn to armor me well to fight the pink battle of my life.
Having received a cancer diagnosis twice in my life, I fully believe that it is little about the cancer and always about the journey…yes, we must remove, cut out, drain-o, and radiate the heck out of those evil cancer cells…
But, more importantly, we must fall to our knees to the ultimate healer…God…in faith that in the realm of “His Will Be Done”, it will include earthly healing.
For the first time in my sixty-two years, I prayed “God’s will be done” without ducking my head and heart in fear that I would die…or suffer because this time I knew I would suffer.
For the first time, instead of “why me?” I accepted the reality of “why not me?”
For the first time, I vowed to trust God fully on this journey and not try to “negotiate” every surgery day, date, treatment scenario, MammaPrint result, oncotype result, blood test result, pathology result, MRI exam result leaning instead to
God’s path
This time, I would lean into fully relying on God who has carried me through many things and always always brought me to the other side
Every time
Every single time
This time, I would take my fear and hand it over to Him on a pink tray with my tears and fears and faith that His Will would be better than any of my wishes
The first time I had breast cancer, Madison was 18 and Kenton and Johnson were 13 and truly did not really realize what was going on in the breast of their mother which is as I had hoped and planned
Fear could not be shown because I had children to raise
This was proven somewhat successful when my daughter, Madison said, “Mama, I did not understand this journey the first time but I see you now and this is hard”….
No mother wants her children to suffer because of her…but all three of mine have for different reasons; what I see now is that not even suffering is wasted because they are strong, loyal, and protective of me for which I am grateful. More importantly, they are able to live a healthy life with me….or, without me and isn’t that what my mission as a mother is all about?
Cancer is an odd thing….it can almost be embarrassing to have cancer – because it seems to voice to the world that “I am weak” or “I am unworthy” of wellness….maybe “I have bad habits” or “my overweight condition has caught up with me”…..it can really take you to some very low-thinking places if you let it….and, I was no exception. However, God is a kind Father and this season, I felt more a nudge from Him to re-focus on Him…
I knew from my initial diagnosis that this journey was a season of God calling me to walk more closely with Him. It was not a punishment. It was not evidence of unholiness. It was not punitive. Rather, it was a tool to use to re-set my mind and spirit that the body I have is God’s Holy temple and He wanted me to focus on not just wellness, but on HOLINESS.
So, I looked it up…
Holiness, by definition, is a life set apart. A life devoted to God. A life moving away from worldly things a toward things of God
I confess I needed this cancer reminder that there is really only one purpose to this life…and that is to be a daughter of God and to live fully for Him and I had grown away from that…
It also taught me to be careful about what you pray…on this same date 2022 (December 31, 2022), my goal setting for 2023 prayers wrote like this..
“Lord, please take and grow my holy spirit in such a way that I am forever changed and more like you in 2023”.
So, a cancer diagnosis late 2023 came as no true surprise…and, as God is want to do..I spent all of 2023 in physical training with a trainer (Vanessa) because God knew the battle to come and was getting me prepared for my Pink Journey of 2024.
So many God-winks have occurred this year. I wish I had written them all down but I do want to document a few:
- God gave me the perfect husband to walk me through this journey – Ian was kind, compassionate, knew when to give me space and when to sit in my presence. He washed my chemo ladened face, held my hand though numerous appointments, and loved me as only he can
- My children kept their presence close to me in physical being, in calls, texts, visits, and surrounded me in love that only a Mama’s children can provide. It made all the difference
- My parents….to stand in circle of each of your parents, holding their aged hands and hear them plead to a God they have followed for 87 and 85 years on your behalf is other realm spirituality. We stayed with them the night prior to my chemo sessions and were enveloped in their love and I am convinced, that is one reason I did so well
- My friends/family…Sandy T., Melissa, Tammy B., Suzanne, Dianne, Kristy, Jill G, Annette, Janie, Judith, Patty, Nancy, Carrie, Cheryl, Dean, Maryann, Judy, Beth, Julie, Katherine, Tammy N, Naomi, Dianna S, Sharon, Leann, Alicia, and the list goes on and on….thank you, thank you, thank you! Men friends reached out as well…
- Our work family – Hanna, Jeff, Alison, Lauren, Gina, Margaret, Caleb…who kept the wheels on the wagon so I could battle
- My clients – soooo many of my clients walked with me on this journey – praying, encouraging, giving me gifts to carry my spirit…and, being present with me when I am the one called to be present with them. You know who you are…and, I am so grateful for each of you
- My unlikely supporters – it always amazes me those who reach out that totally catch you off guard in their “thinking about me” and taking time to share “I am praying for you” ‘I am thinking about you”…from across the states, across the globe…it is surreal those God brings into your life to support you in such a time as this…
God-winks continued:
- Preparation of the diagnosis – lost earring, late Friday afternoon appointment, scriptures that kept popping up
- Jackie Matar, MD who was able to help guide me on treatment both in Kentucky and Vanderbilt; who personally called my Radiologist to help with prior treatment information
- My parents living one hour from Vanderbilt and the precious time we had each treatment preparing me for the journey
- Training with Vanessa in 2023 God knowing fully well that I would need to be strong in 2024 for chemo and radiation
- Having osteopenia in 2023 prior to diagnosis but NO osteopenia in 2024 after treatment due to strong workouts mentioned above. God is amazing!
- Meeting online “pink sisters” who were walking this journey together – Marina Blackford, so many others….
- Opportunities to witness to others the power of God’s healing without saying a word..
- Opportunities to receive the love and kindness of others, strangers, women
My cancer journey was beautiful as much as it was ugly….because even through pain, God made His presence real to me in so many ways I would not have experienced had I not started on the journey.
I would not change a thing
I would not wish it away
I pray it never recurs….
His Will Be Done
As I enter 2025 cancer free and joy filled, I want to give glory to God for the healing he as provided me…the people He put in my path, the love He spread over me via the presence of others and the reminder that He is a good God, fully in control.
In faith and with gratitude for God’s tender healing,
In joyful excitement for a healthy and blessed 2024
In a changed spirit
I wrap us this year with a Pink Bow of gratitude,
All because of God
ILYAOIC,
~lesa
