Its Madison
Graceful Door Slams
I did something big this week- something I thought I’d never do.
I closed a door to one of the most meaningful experiences I’ve had in my life.
I say experience because it was something I somewhat predicted would happen a long time ago- and instinctively knew how it would end. Sometimes I wonder why I opened a door that I knew would inevitably be shut at some point. But for some reason I thought I felt God telling me to “hang in there, Madison” and “you’re not done here, yet.” I truly feel that was God speaking to me in a situation where I was lost and seeking guidance. I don’t regret any decisions I made at that time in my life, but I have deep sorrow for the way I went about making those decisions.
In the past, I let things that didn’t go the way I expected develop much unresolved anger within my spirit…. for years. I made a choice this time that I am going to do things differently.
I’m not going to let anger consume my spirit anymore. I’ve learned when you live in a spirit of being angry at someone else, it causes you to mishandle things that mean the most to you. And I don’t want to be angry anymore and I don’t want to hurt someone else ever again for the ways others have let me down.
I took a deep look into the mirror recently and decided that I am tired of anger causing me to react in ways I truly don’t feel internally.
I’m tired of punishing those who love me for the way someone else has treated me. And I am making hard decisions in my life to create those changes. One of the hardest choices I’m making is to forgive those who have hurt me most. Something I’m realizing though is that for me, forgiveness means putting action behind my words. Something that is absolutely terrifying. To forgive some, I have to walk towards them. 
And to forgive others I have to take a little space for myself. While the steps are different, my desire for healing of all relationships in my life are the same.
I have worked extremely hard on myself to get to this point. I’m having to come to realize that not everyone is going to understand my heart, my perspective, or my reasoning. And I am having to learn that is okay and I’m trying to do different now, and as painful as it is for me, I can recognize that it is something I’m needing to do.
I’ve often been able to see and identify my struggles, but never truly addressed them. I am in a season where I’m addressing my negative core beliefs stemming from childhood all the way up until today. It’s a painful journey, but one I know I’m needing to go down to find peace within myself and my spirit.
When we get to the end of ourselves, we get to the beginning of God. The past year of my life (2020) was what I call “my end”. And now, I welcome the season in front of me. I’ll call it a season of “refinement,” as I’ve come to realize sometimes it is not love we are lacking in our lives. We can see love if we take a look at those around us who have always been there through our worst and encourage us to become better.
But sometimes, if we don’t pay attention then we allow the door to close as gracefully as it opened. I call that the “Graceful Door Slam”.
And while it may be graceful, the sound it leaves is deafening.
Always,
Madison
